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Converging
Paths: Creating A Couple’s Mission
By Martin Brossman
Many of us have marveled at the
power of writing a personal mission statement,
discovering how intention and commitment combine in
some mysterious way to propel us toward fulfillment.
Somehow a thoughtful combination of words on paper
becomes a motivating force for clarity and
priority-setting. Yet few of us have entertained
the possibility of developing a kindred mission
statement for our personal relationship. It’s a
process that works best for a couple with the
intention of having a long term, fulfilling,
passionate and committed monogamous relationship.
It tends to give both parties a sense of greater
freedom inside their commitment.
The gift of each other
Like a next-level evolutionary step in life as a
couple, composing a couple’s mission serves to keep
us present and alive to the exceptional gifts
brought to the relationship from both sides. Its
intention is to give couples a tool to rely on when
challenges occur, providing a way to negotiate
the inevitable issues that come up in any serious
relationship. The composition of a joint mission
looks at the unique needs of both individuals and
inspires a dovetailing approach so that needs from
both sides which at first seem contradictory can
often be merged and met. Frequently the process of
creating the couple’s mission itself will deepen the
relationship.
Coaching is an option
Although the assistance of a coach is certainly
not a requirement for successful mission-creating,
coaching serves as a tool to expedite and enhance
the process, keeping both partners on task. The
coach is an advisor/observer who, in three to four
sessions spread out over a few months, in three-way
phone calls or in person, makes sure that both
participants are working from their newly-stated
mission. An alternative approach employs coaching
for one member of the couple who then shares the
process with their partner. The coach’s role is
especially significant when one or both of the pair
are uninspired by their mission and no new direction
is happening as weeks go by. The coach can readily
see that it’s either not the right mission or it
won’t serve them in the future.
The presence of energy
A couple’s mission only stays alive through the
synergistic effort of both people involved. If the
energy of one begins to wane, the dual mission will
wither, not growing to its fullest potential.
Remember this is not a
splitting-resources-down-the-middle approach.
Instead it is based on the assumption that each
person in the relationship has a mission and purpose
in life that creates a positive third-entity
energetic charge when combined, not diminishing
their individuality but enriching it.
An example of this enrichment phenomenon
occurred in coaching a retired couple--we’ll call
them Sam and Sandy—who discovered they were both
unsatisfied with their lifestyle. On the surface
they seemed like two people wanting to live in
different places: Sandy yearned to be closer to her
family in a distant town, and Sam, who had no
relatives, wanted to enjoy scenery and relaxation
like they did on trips to the beach. They both had
lost interest in taking care of their longtime home.
Their individual missions to be dovetailed were (1)
staying connected to family and (2) experiencing
beautiful environments. The collective mission that
was formed became Experiencing Beautiful
Environments Interrelated to Family, one they both
could get excited about. The solution that emerged
from their mission together was finding a new place
to live with shorter travel distance to family. In
their new home they created a tropical-themed room
with hot tub that they could enjoy year-round. When
Sam and Sandy both felt fulfilled by a nicely
organized home, they had family and friends over
more often—and scheduled frequent trips to the
beach.
Seven thoughtful steps
With a coach or on your own, how do you begin
your own couple’s mission? The following steps have
grown from a decade of helping clients craft
missions for themselves and their partners:
1. Schedule at least an hour where you can be alone
with your partner in a pleasant setting. You may
want to start by reflecting on moments of value in
your relationship.
2. Bring your own personal mission to the table.
(This is different from business mission statements
but may be related. If you don’t have personal
mission statements, the questions that follow
provide insight into creating them.) You don’t have
to have your own mission totally worked out to start
this, but you do have to be real and honest. Trying
to please your partner by picking what’s important
to them is the death of this process. Be honest
about your own gifts and desires. Look at the bigger
picture, your role in the world, not merely what you
like to do in solitary. Some questions to answer
individually are: What do you want to be remembered
for? What do you want to leave this world? What
gives your life the most meaning or fulfillment?
What makes it worth getting up every morning, fully
engaged in life? When you are at your very best,
what do you love expressing in the world?
3. After determining your
individual missions, ask yourselves: What do we
want our lives together to be about? What could we
create together that would give our relationship
true meaning? What are the unique gifts and value
that each of us brings to the relationship?
4. Imagine what would be
created if you sculpted both personal missions
together,
as if someone gave you some craft material and
asked, “What’s the most interesting thing you could
make out of this?” Think “If these were two
resources, what would be a great result of the two?
Make sure your mission is not just what would look
good on the wall, or what would please somebody
else, since that won’t be authentically effective.
5. If you have children, keep in mind that they
will learn and benefit more from the life you live
and who you are together than what you verbally try
to teach them. Write
down your mission and post it in the house. Find
ways to weave it into conversation so they kids
start seeing this as a model. Give them a purpose
by helping them choose their roles in the story.
6. Reevaluate the mission
periodically to check for any updates needed to keep
you enthused. Ask: “How are we doing living our
mission and goals? What’s working and what do we
need to adjust?” This takes it out of the blame
game. It is best for each of you to point out what
you yourself need to change rather than pointing out
what the other needs to change. It’s important to
start this right after your mission’s inception
because if it becomes something you put in a drawer,
it has the potential of dying. You wouldn’t stuff a
plant into a closet. It needs attention and
nurturing to grow.
7. Keep an accomplishment
scrapbook or album for collecting evidence of the
expression of your mission. A journal or log can
add to this. Share your mission with trusted people
outside the family. See how environment and
friends can support and advance your mission, being
aware of how your mission can also benefit extended
family and friends.
Life Integration
Beyond merely blueprinting a plan, your
mission-implementing activity requires integrating
the new mission into your relationship and life.
When this is done properly there should not be a lot
of work in having to remember it. However it does
take work to nurture it to the level where it really
takes hold in each person’s life.
One couple we’ll refer to as Mark and Jennifer have
originated a daily touchstone to recall the power of
their mission, using symbolism to express the
strengths each brings to their relationship. Mark
sees himself as the stage and director, Jennifer the
play and performer. He sets up the solid platform
for their life plan, responsible for stability and
offering guidance when needed. Jennifer is free to
express her people-oriented talents, and their
performance is living their spiritual mission
together. Their mission statement: To Provide
Resources For People To Live Richer, More-Fulfilled
Lives, which they are now doing through their
high-quality editing and publishing, geared to
benefit the environment, which they have taken on as
a second career. Although Jennifer and Mark had
already embarked on their new career before
designing their co-statement, they enthusiastically
agree that the power of voicing their shared mission
has re-inspired their commitment to service and
success and helped them weather difficult patches.
If you and your partner have
already found your ideal work, your mission can
embrace home and recreational life or introduce
community-oriented elements to manifest your unique
concept of fulfillment. Remember, whatever form your
couple’s mission takes, keep it authentically your
own, and anticipate the inspiring new and wider path
that comes to life where two loving paths converge.
Martin Brossman is a Rapid Results Success Coach
with 11 years experience working with diverse
clients worldwide.
Martin@CoachingSupport.com (919) 847-4757
www.CoachingSupport.com
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