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Why
Men's Groups?
by Martin Brossman
Why are men
meeting in groups? Haven’t men gathering together
caused many of the world’s problems? Shouldn't men
be working to insure the equality and unity of the
sexes, not separation? Many men are solitary
creatures and don't seem to need much of anything,
what's the point of a group for men? Don’t the TV
ball games, golf game, or poker game serve the same
purpose? If a man has a healthy relationship with
God, why would he need a men’s group?
Sadly, it is true that often throughout history when
men have gathered together it has resulted in bad
news. Historically, men have always gathered to deal
with problems. The crop was blighted, the villagers
were mutinous, or a battle was coming. Men wielded
"the power"; therefore they met to use it. This
societal control perspective, however, ignores the
benevolent use of rituals, i.e. the gathering, in
the maturation of normal, healthy, adult, males.
Modern society has forgotten these rites of passage.
To a large extent, Western adult males are left to
raise themselves, with varying results. One only has
to read the divorce rate and crime statistics to
become aware that something is missing.
I was always very suspicious of "men’s groups". I
thought I had evolved beyond a need for sharing with
others. About 9 years ago, while driving, I was
listening to the audio book of "Iron John" by Robert
Bly, about issues of men maturing. I suddenly found
tears running down my face but at that time had no
idea why. Iron John is about men’s rites of passage.
Bly outlines an idea about men gathering together to
support each other.
With much apprehension, I began exploring this thing
called "men's work". “Men’s work” is men getting
together to explore questions and share experiences
to address issues that are deeply important to them.
Men's issues may include: their relationships;
developing meaningful male friendships, being a
father; dealing with anger and/or emotional pain;
spirituality and meaningful rituals.
I worked through my nervousness and suspicion by
interviewing men who had been involved with men’s
work. I asked these men what their partners thought
when they first become involved in a men’s group.
Some of the women were suspicious at first and did
not see the real benefit. However, the greatest
resistance seemed to come from other men. They made
jokes about men “coming out of the closet”, or said
they had “gone to something like that once” and did
not need it now. I also interviewed men who had been
involved with men's work for over a year or more. I
wanted to find out what their partners thought of
their involvement now. I was amazed how positive the
responses were. Comments ranged from, “She says she
likes the man I am becoming” to “she insists I go”.
After being involved in a men’s group myself for a
while, I saw the benefits first hand and was puzzled
why there is not more men involved in such groups. I
would like to share a few observations of fears,
concerns, and false beliefs that may have stop men
from reaping the benefits of men’s groups.
FEARS, CONCERNS, AND FALSE BELIEFS ABOUT MEN’S
GROUPS:
Myth #1: It is the man’s role to be protector and
provider
We are still highly influenced by the antiquated
social role of men as protectors and providers, who
are self-sufficient creatures and have all the
answers. Our society has implied that
self-sufficiency means handling everything in
isolation. A healthier attitude would be that
self-sufficiency is the wisdom to seek out and
utilize support and resources in one’s own
environment. As Warren Farrell noted in his book,
Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, men in our
culture are often viewed as “success” objects. This
viewpoint is as de-humanizing as viewing women as
“sex” objects. Many times the success object bias
does not even break down when both partners bring in
equal salaries, especially in a family with
children. Men may find it difficult to develop a
rich emotional life while focusing on being
successful. In this respect men are not being
treated equally either.
Myth #2: Men’s Groups Equal Oppression of Women
Men and women may both be suspicious of men’s
groups. Many feel that men’s work is misogynistic by
its very nature. They feel it exists to support men
who hate women. Nothing could be further from the
truth. Men’s work supports men and women living in
harmony. It tends to create more balanced and
grounded men who can truly honor women as equals.
Myth #3: Silence Means Strength
Many men have developed the habit of emotionally
isolating themselves, especially from other men. A
man may develop only superficial or competitive
relationships with other men, revolving solely
around business or sports. Men’s work helps break
through this two-dimensional socializing.
Conversations involving more personal topics become
easier with practice and support.
Myth #4: If you are in a relationship there’s no
benefit in being in a men’s group
Some men don’t notice the missing male relationship
because they have become overly dependent on the
women in their lives. As a consequence, they are not
able to take the risk of being emotionally available
to their partner. For these men, this over
dependency is often unconscious but may show up as
jealously, over controlling, or resentment of her
having friends. Men's work provides a support
structure for these men to safely discover and
change this dependency. By developing healthy
relationships with other men there is less at stake
in their relationship, so they can become more
emotionally available to their partners.
Myth #5: Men’s groups are made up of mostly gay men
Homophobia may keep heterosexual men away from men’s
groups, while a gay man may stay away for fear of
persecution. Being gay is not an illness or
contagious, and not all heterosexual men are
threatened by gay men. Men's groups are a place to
learn to distinguish between sexuality and intimacy
for both heterosexual and gay men. Hashing out
sexuality issues is central to living as a healthy
adult male.
Myth #6th: Only the weak need Support
Some men think men’s groups are only for men with
problems or unsuccessful men. They tend to value
success only in relationship to business. A man, who
can smoothly move through his feelings, instead of
suppressing them or being driven by them, is a
strong and powerful man.
Myth #7: All I Need is God
Jesus had a 12-man support team. A possible doorway
to an enhanced relationship with God may come
through relationships with each other. A man who
allows other men to contribute to him gives them the
opportunity to experience one of the greatest gifts,
the gift of receiving.
Myth #8: Men’s group would take more time away from
my family
If you are a father working 40 hours a week or more,
you may not have a lot of free time. What harried
fathers do not realize is they may truly benefit
from an extra-family structure that supports them as
men. They become more emotionally available for
their partners and children.
The Benefit of Men’s Work
Why is it
important that men’s work expand its scope? First,
men who are more conscious and able to fully
experience their emotions tend to live a longer
life. Second, men who have healthy relationships and
feel connected to other people tend to be life
supporting, compassionate, and less violent. Another
reason for men’s work is it helps develop more
stable and mature male role models. Young boys need
healthy models to learn how to be a man. What rites
of passage are clearly delineated for them? One can
easily see that gangs are just a desperate attempt
by young men to initiate themselves into manhood and
to connect as a family.
I believe men's work can reduce violence in our
society. I grew up in Washington, DC, in the sixties
and seventies and attended both public and private
schools. From this vantage point I see that violence
often comes from emotional isolation. This isolation
creates resentment and anger, which can lead to
violence toward self and others. Maybe men need a
special type of emotional connection or food from
other men. Perhaps men’s work offers this needed
food that allows us to be more whole and balanced in
our lives.
Another aspect of Men’s work involves inquiry, where
men deeply and honestly explore questions together.
Exploring questions like, what works in keeping a
long term committed relationship passionate and
alive? Or, what have you found to be the best way to
build grounded self-confidence? It is an amazing
experience when men get together and explore
important questions openly and honestly. How do we
rekindle a “best male friend” and keep the
friendship going in our busy lives? How do we handle
disappointment, shame, sadness, and anger? Inquiry
can enable us to reconnect to both the awareness and
the subsistence that fulfills it. Inquiry has a
clear purpose, goal, and end point, which is
intrinsically often appealing to men because it is
focused.
Please explore
the following questions for men.
Q: Do you have close male friends, who you can
truly confide in about your
joys, passions, fears, and desires?
Q: Do you turn to men, women, or isolate yourself
from more emotional pain
during a crisis?
Q: Could you see how meaningful relationships with
other men would support
you to be more emotionally available to your
partner, children, and yourself?
Imagine how you
could create time for something that cost only a few
hours a month in time…something that would
profoundly improve the quality and depth of your
relationships…and something that would enlighten you
and your loved ones. It does take some time,
commitment, and courage to get involved with a men’s
group to reap the real benefits. Yet, this is true
for anything worth having in life.
My personal vision is that by men nurturing and
emotionally supporting each other we will have
stronger men available to stand up to the challenges
of creating a more peaceful world. Men's groups
fully support men to allow us to experience the
unique gifts we are.
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